The phone bed is the most ludicrous product you’ll see today

You’ve spent £400-£600 on the latest smartphone, but something’s missing. Why should your phone lie on the cold, hard bedside table all night when you get the comfort of a springy mattress?

If you find yourself nodding along to this nonsensical argument, then boy do I have an offer for you. For $100, your phone can get its own bed. An actual physical bed, with satin sheets, velvet-lined compartments and a solid wooden construction. Somewhere, a spoiled Barbie doll is filing a police report about stolen furniture.

It’s a bed for resting up to five smartphones overnight, so you can play the role of slum landlord for your tech. Why you’d want to is anybody’s guess. The site, Thrive Global – Arianna Huffington’s new pet project centred around sleep productivity – doesn’t seem particularly clear on this point either, blathering on confusedly about our nightly rituals.

“The phone bed makes putting our smartphones to bed a regular part of our nightly ritual. First we tuck our phones in, and then ourself,” it explains. “By giving our phones their own bed, we can say goodnight to our day and get the sleep we need to wake up fully recharged.” In much the same way as putting the phone down on a bedside table, only with 10% more decadence, and 100% more creepiness.thrive_global_phone_bed_-_3

But wait, we haven’t maxed out the creepiness yet!

“And to show children how to have a healthy relationship with technology, there’s room in the bed for the whole family’s devices.” Because all healthy relationships start by giving inanimate objects their own weird communal sleeping arrangements. I’m no developmental psychologist, but that doesn’t feel like it’s backed up by, well, anything.

Aside from anything else, that kind of communal sleeping arrangement sounds fiddly for charging, even though the box boasts that it includes a ten-port 60W charger (without cables). But I think if I start treating this product with a rational critique, it somehow grants it a respect it absolutely hasn’t earned, so I’ll just say this: you can buy the phone bed now for $100. But you should probably do literally anything else at all with that money, up to and including turning it into DIY confetti.

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