i.Con wants to be the Fitbit for your penis
Where do you draw the line at Internet of Things sensors? My personal rule in life is “never put anything with a micro-USB charging port down your pants”, and it’s one that has served me well to date.
Still, the sexual Columbuses over at British Condoms haven’t let my prudish concerns get in the way of progress, and have developed the world’s first smart condom.
Often if you’re the first person to do something, it’s with very good reason, but that’s by the by, because the i.Con Smart Condom isn’t really a condom, despite what the packaging says. It’s actually a ring that fits over your boring functional latex friend, and gives you invaluable insights that you can casually drop into conversation with your friends, family and neighbours.
So, what kind of information do you get from your £59.99 (£59.99!) buddy? The phrase “too much information” has never been so apt. As well as measuring thrust speed and velocity, the i.Con will tell you how many calories you burned, what positions you enjoyed and how many times you had sex – though, if you’re the kind of person who keeps this kind of information in a logbook, the answer is likely to be on the low side.
It will also tell you your girth and skin temperature, which is… handy I guess? More usefully, the i.Con also claims to detect chlamydia and syphilis, but I really wouldn’t recommend using this in place of regular sexual health check-ups, if I were you. And yes, you can use the accompanying app to compare your stats to other users worldwide (other users of the service that is – please don’t share i.Cons).
If this incredibly weak sales pitch has sold it to you, then do feel free to pre-order the i.Con at British Condoms. But seriously, if you’re that desperate to prove you’ve had sex, just have a kid already.