Ease yourself to sleep with the smooth sounds of GDPR regulation read by the Shipping Forecast guy

If you’re being kept awake by the constant pinging of your email as desperately unprepared businesses try to get all of their GDPR-shaped ducks in a row, then a solution is at hand. And curiously, it seems that the EU-wide legislation can be both part of the problem and the solution.­

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Calm.com, the meditation and sleep app, has seen potential hidden away in the 209 pages that make up the EU-wide GDPR legislation. The company has converted the “most soothing passages” into a downloadable Sleep Story designed to put its members into a peaceful state ­where a good night’s rest is guaranteed. To ensure nobody makes it to the end of the recording, Calm.com has enlisted the services the even voice of The Shipping Forecast’s Peter Jefferson to make sure even the most determined won’t hear how the rip-roaring audiobook finishes.

It’s the auditory equivalent of the sedative required to take down an insomniac rhinoceros that’s just downed a Red Bull Expresso.

Presumably because forcing anyone to narrate all 57,509 words of the regulation would contravene Article 3 of the European convention on human rights, Calm’s version – Once Upon a GDPR – is mercifully abridged. The whole recording clocks in at 34 minutes, encompassing the intro and some of the “best bits”. As pan-European legalese goes, this is all killer and no filler.

“While we don’t have time to read the entire GDPR regulation, which would take more than all night, “I hope to give you a taste of it, by reading a lengthy extract from the 107-page introduction,” explains Jefferson as you stifle your first yawn. “And then, if you’re still awake, one or two of the more relaxing articles that make up the real heart of the document.”

If this strikes you as just the panacea to fix your sleep problems once and for all, you can sign up to Calm.com here, and download over 90 (more engaging) Sleep Stories, alongside various mindfulness programmes and meditation exercises. Just make sure you’re GDPR compliant before nodding off, okay? It’s nearly go time.

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