Eggplant Mail will send real-life penis emojis to your friends and enemies

Are your flaccid attempts at emoji-based seduction wearing thin? If so, you better step up your game with some real-life phallic symbol home delivery.

A new website going by the name of Eggplant Mail promises to deliver an anonymous 16-word message, scrawled onto an aubergine, for only £6.99.

“Want to send someone a real-life penis emoji?” the website reads. “We will mail an anonymous eggplant, with your personal message, anywhere in the world. 100% Phallic. 100% Anonymous. 100% Disturbing.”

As far as core business tenets go, you could do a lot worse than “phallic”, “anonymous” and “disturbing”. At least it’s honest. eggplant_mail_2

The company is based in the UK, but is clearly going after the global market with its eggplant moniker. Indeed, the site claims it can mail aubergines worldwide, with orders shipped within 24-48 hours after being placed.

There’s one word of caution, however. Due to ink on the skin of the vegetable, as well as germs that may have been picked up during shipping, Eggplant Mail advises customers not to tuck into their deliveries. “We are not liable for any illness if you eat the eggplant,” the site emphasises.

If you want to place an order, you can do so on the Eggplant Mail website.